IT IS OK TO AGREE TO DISAGREE

As I prepare for future posts about tough subjects, I felt the need for a "how to" post. Presented below is My Common Sense on how to properly communicate and navigate tough topics and improve your daily communication.

There is nothing more polarizing conversationally than Politics. Even the calmest of people can absolutely lose their $&*! during conversations when a certain, passionate, topic is approached. I enjoy these types of conversations because I enjoy hearing differing options around tough and sometimes divisive topics, providing my opinion(s) and the compelling evidence behind them, asking lots of questions, and improving my knowledge around a particular subject. I also prefer to have these types of conversations in person and not over social media.

If you have participated in social media (primarily Twitter and Facebook) anytime in the recent past, you know that it can be difficult not to feel polarized to LOVE and/or HATE just about anything. During the last 3 presidential races, many people lost their sense of human decency and attacked people on a very personal level for their beliefs. Unfortunately, the introduction of social media and what I term the "hit and run" ideology of its communication has eradicated most people's ability to communicate well thought out arguments.

For Example: After a recent blog post that I shared to Facebook, a friend and someone that I consider to be an "educated person" posted a "hit and run" comment on the feed for that post. I did not immediately hit back. Instead, I tried to arrange an in-person meeting to chat as suggested in all of my posts. When I asked this individual if he was willing to meet for coffee, lunch, a beer, in person etc., he backed away from his comment... At the time this blog post was published, he still had not gotten back to me about a date and time to meet in person to chat.

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‍AMMUNITION

‍Listed below are the 7 Interpersonal Skills I learned during the PGA of America's GPTP (Golf Professional Training Program) while in college.  In my opinion, these skills should be applied to everyday communication and not simply during tough conversations.

The 7 Interpersonal Skills:

1. STATE your purpose clearly

2. PROVIDE a compelling rationale

3. ENCOURAGE open expression

4. SHOW understanding

5. INVITE and GIVE specific feedback

6. RE-FRAME difficult situations

7. ACT with integrity

‍Stating your Purpose Clearly means to be as specific as possible about your objective, goal, and/or purpose. What are you doing?

‍Providing a Compelling Rationale means to be as specific as possible in providing further explanation behind your objective, goal, and/or purpose. Why are you doing it?

‍Encouraging Open Expression means to allow those around you to express themselves as they see fit, professionally and appropriately. Feel free to be open about your opinions and feelings.

‍Showing Understanding means to be compassionate when someone does not understand and/or when something goes awry. You do not normally need to Show Understanding when something positive happens hence the negative connotation. If someone is ignorant on a particular subject, they should not be chastised for their lack of information.  That's OK, you will understand and/or will do better when...

‍Inviting and Giving Specific Feedback can be the most touchy of the 7, because it allows others to provide you feedback and/or allow you to provide others with your feedback. This is what I think about... What do you think about?

‍Re-Framing a Difficult Situation or Situations is just as it reads, how can you turn lemons into lemonade in the face of certain doom. In many cases, falling on the proverbial sword, formally apologizing, and/or taking responsibility will be the best way to re-frame any bad situation. I am very sorry about what happened, it is completely my fault. What can I do to make this right?

‍Acting with Integrity conveys that consistency is key when it comes to Interpersonal Communication. It is a call to action to maintain order, decency, and professionalism in all communication. Some people will not abide by these 7 Skills and therefore, will not be able to have a productive conversation or discussion.‍

Most people can State their Purpose Clearly, some better than others. Of the 7 Skills listed above, Providing a Compelling Rationale and Showing Understanding are the 2 most important and most overlooked skills by most people in most forms of communication, especially those conversations conducted over Social Media.‍

If you consider yourself a good communicator, you have the responsibility of leading by example.

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PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

‍The next time you are engaged in an intense or potentially difficult face-to-face conversation with a peer, consider the following:

- Actively listen and hear their perspective - it will likely always be different than yours.

- Consider their experience - do they understand this subject more or are they better educated on the subject than yourself.

- Ask LOTS of questions about their opinions, perspective, etc. - then be prepared to deliver your opinion and the rationale behind it.

- Finally, it is always OK to DISAGREE - it is always better to walk away rather than begin engaging in personal attacks - "Yo Momma is...."

REMEMBER: If you Provide a Compelling Rationale with supporting information, it will be very difficult for anyone to disagree with your perspective on a particular subject.  "Because I said so..." or another cop out statement is never compelling.

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‍APPLICATION ON SOCIAL MEDIA

‍Taking all of the above information and applying it for use on social media requires patients and self-control.  First and foremost, never expect to change anyone's opinions or point of view via a conversation over social media. It is much better to set your expectations low. If you disagree or agree with someone else post, feel free to ask them a question(s) about it, but do not make your question overtly threatening or complimentary. If you engage someone civilly on social media, consider taking the conversation verbal (by phone, over skype, in person, etc.). In my opinion, the best and most productive conversations are those had face-to-face. The 2nd best are those that take place verbally (by phone, video chat, etc.). The 3rd best are those that take place in long form, written format (email, paper letter, article, etc.) because when you write a letter, you tend not to just say what you think, but also why you think it. The least effective want to communicate is via short messaging (social media, text message, etc.).

If you find yourself heated and ready to hit "send" or "post" anything, take a break, breath, and think about your the purpose of your statement. Image that person as your friend or family member and they happen to be sitting across the table from you. Would you say the same thing with the same tone? The answer most of the time is "probably not." When in doubt, instead of a post, comment, etc. consider asking them to meet in person to chat. If they are unwilling to meet with you, continuing the conversation is not likely worth your time since they are unwilling to engage in civil conversation.

Finally, less is always more! Avoid overstating, just say what needs to be said, and leave it there...

If you want to have a constructive conversation about this or anything else, message me, and let's grab coffee or a beer.

Have a good one,

Dan